Fic entering: Varda Fangwen, Elrond's Niece

 

Disclaimer: Varda doesn’t belong to me. I don’t want her. Elrond and all Lord of the Rings locations/people belong to whom ever owns them. The PPC is all Jay and Acacia’s fault.  Alec and Verra belong to me and are currently using this time as vacation from the regular torture I throw at them. 

 

 

Your Wife is A  Big Dragon

 

 

Room 3b (the whereabouts of rooms 3a and 3c having yet to be discovered) was a gray office with the usual consoles and storage lockers that every other office in the PPC contained. The Computer screen was blessedly unused allowing for a screensaver of a chicken wandering around throwing eggs. The sole occupant of the room was stretched out in a computer chair, feet on the desk, a ratty fedora covering his face as he snoozed. He was Alec (Yes, Alec was his nickname and yes Alexander is his full name, the people who call him Al are dead and the people who call him Alexander are his parents, are you his parents? No, I didn't think so.) Raven Troven, reformed Marty Sue. Marty because he was a very much a man, Sue because his writer was not. No, his writer soon learned the error of her Mary-Suing ways and turned him into an original character.  In his new life he had a wife and a son, both who loved him dearly.  And whom he loved as well.  He had a family, siblings and everything that a person could want.  But he missed the Marty-sue life.  He missed the adventure of wandering around other universes and interacting with people he read about in books of fiction.  He also missed getting use his neat sword. 

 

So he got a job at the PPC. It gave him the adventure he wanted and the time away from his wife who was quite the dragon. Literally. He had married a dragon, complete with wings, scales and fiery breath, though her human form was quite nice. (And the sex was extremely good.)

 

 Right now he was waiting for his new partner. His last partner had gone missing. Rumor was that she ended up in the wrong side of the kitchen. Alec didn't mind so much. He was enjoying the break between her nattering and the computer's beeping. In fact he was enjoying it too much. Which was why there was a knock at the door.

 

With a sigh Alec got out of the chair and shuffled over to the door. He opened it and was immediately tackled by a petite woman with long caramel colored hair. The force of the tackle sent him sprawling onto the floor. "Surprise!" the woman said as she straddled him. She looked extremely familiar. The hair, those hazel eyes with slit pupils, the delicately pointed ears (which in his continuum indicated that she was a dragon in human form) the wedding ring on her finger...

 

"Verra? What are you doing here?"

 

 "It's my new job. Remember? I mentioned it too you earlier this week," she said, looking around the office. Alec thought back to earlier this week, he did remember her mentioning something about getting a new job. (She had been complaining endlessly about being bored and lack of things to toast.) But not here at the PPC. This was his sanctuary. His refuge away from his family, his wife (whom he loved dearly, but still...). Obviously he was going to have to put plant trimming on the schedule for later

 

“Oh. Yeah. Right. New job,” he said watching as she claimed his chair. Looking around at all the shiny buttons Verra clapped her hands together.

 

“So what do we do here?”  She asked him.  Alec wondered if the plants upstairs had only given her the job to annoy the hell out of him.  It seem that was how they assigned most partners.

 

“Well I’m in The Department of Improbabilities,” he said pointing to the patch on his shoulder of a reanual. “You know for those really improbably AU stories, like when Nazgul work for Thranduil and things like that. And since the department’s so flooded, I deal with the occasional Mary Sue.”

 

Verra thought about this for a minute before asking, “Can I eat them?”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“The Mary Sues, can I eat them?” She explained.  Alec’s mouth opened and then closed.

 

“Well I guess so. I don’t see why not.  They might give you indigestion though,” he said finally. She nodded, satisfied.  Verra then caught sight of the weapons cabinet.

 

“Ooo…” she said and picked up an Elven Longbow.  Her fingers fumbled for an arrow which she somehow managed to notch.  With her strength, pulling back wasn’t a problem at all and neither was letting go.  Aim, however, was a different story all together.  With a shriek of air being rapidly replaced by an arrow, Alec ducked as the arrow embedded itself in the wall, right next to his ear. He gave a large gulp, staring at the quivering shaft.

 

“Verra… honey… give me the bow please,” he pleaded, holding his hands out for the weapon.  Having lost interest, Verra dropped the bow into his hands.  Alec relaxed, wanting to turn into a puddle of goo in relief.  The relief quickly vanished as the computer went off with a soft BeeEEEp.  Verra squealed and started to read.  Alec stood, looking over her shoulder.

 

“Elrond’s niece? But didn’t he only have a brother that died like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, long time ago?” Verra asked. Alec just grunted. 

 

“Come on, lets go and get it over with,” said Alec.  Looking at the words they would just have to be elves.  Which would be a problem because Verra didn’t like elves. Well that wasn’t exactly true.  She liked elves, as a snack. Most dragons did.  Other than that she found them flouncy, poofy and prancy.  He leaned over and started to hit buttons to start the portal and set their disguises.  “C’mon love,” he said beckoning her to follow him.

 

Stepping through they found themselves in Rivendell.  Verra looked around at the scenery and let out a loud sneeze.

 

“I smell elves…”  she said in a purring voice.  She looked over at her husband to see his reaction to this statement and jumped back, startled. Pointing a shaky finger at him she stammered out, “E-elf… y-you’re an e-elf…” He grinned at her, but didn’t mention that she too looked like an elf. She would probably kill him. 

 

“Disguises, remember?” he said fingering his now long black hair. Verra relaxed somewhat. He held out an arm for her to take, with a slight bow.  With a pleased smile she took it, and if anyone were able to see them all they would see would be a pair of elves looking for a quite out of the way spot to indulge in each other.

 

Alec always liked Rivendell. Even under the Sue’s influence. If he looked hard enough he could see the cannon Rivendell fighting back in slight fluctuations.  They were looking for the Sue.  The words said that she was with her Uncle Elrond. Unfortunately they weren’t specific exactly where that was.  With Verra hanging on his arm they wandered around the large airy corridors, peering into rooms and balconies looking.  He pointed out to her all the cannon characters that they stumbled upon.   Eventually they found Varda and her “Uncle”.  She wasn’t hard to miss with her looks. Elrond, if he looked hard enough, seemed mildly peeved. Verra started to drool, in hunger (although, personally Alec thought that Elrond didn’t look to bad). 

 

“Auburnish/reddish hair…. brilliant blue eyes (they intelligent or something?)… graceful… and that’s unusual for an elf?” Alec muttered, reading the words, “I mean besides the hair.”

 

“It’s hurting my eyes.” Verra whined as she tried to look at the hair. For a second it looked like the Mary Sue had heard them, but she continued walking as the words described how bored she was and how she wanted adventure in her life.  They were going to council.  He and Verra followed them.

 

When they arrived Varda took her usual place to the left side of Elrond, Arwen, her cousin, was on his right.  Alec and Verra snuck in and sat behind them to watch. Well, Verra watched, Alec started scrawling madly on a scrap of notebook paper.

 

“Being a Mary-Sue…Some how being Elrond’s niece without even bothering to explain who Elrond’s new sibling is…. Turning Arwen into a valley girl bimbo… Verra please don’t play with the character analysis device it might go off…” He muttered; he always muttered when he wrote. He had done this since had learn to write. It drove most of the people he knew crazy. Verra thought it was adorable.

 

Elrond started the counsel in his usual way. Varda noticed there was a divinely drawing gold ring on the stone table in the center of the circle.

 

“Divinely drawing… Divinely drawing… What do you suppose that means?”

 

“Dunno…” Alec said, adding incomprehensible word phrase to the charge list.

 

Her eyes focused on it, her mind wandered, she could faintly hear her uncle's words, then, as if he was shouting to the whole world, she heard these words, "The ring must be destroyed!"

 

“Ladies and gentlemen the worlds quickest council scene,” Alec said and then with a quick glance at the words said, “Oh bugger…”

 

“What?”

 

“What are we waiting for, let's destroy it!" A short, dwarfman, said as he jumped to his feet, axe ready, hhe smashed it down on the ring and it burst to peices. No, not the ring, his axe. Varda's eyes grew wide with astonishment, this dwarf, Gimli, I believe, fell on the ground, weakened beyond belief.

 

For a brief second, without any warning, there was the agonizing twist of the perspective switching into first person for two words and then switching back again.  The two hidden assassins grabbed their heads in pain as it hit them like a well swung yo-yo.

 

As they recovered, another man spoke. Then, an elf jumped to his feet, an elf Varda had never seen before. She stared at him, he was the most handsome elf she had ever seen!

"Have you not heard what Lord Elrond has said?! The Ring must be destroyed!" The handsome elf said.

"I will not see The Ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli jumped to his feet. All other elves stood, enraged, and came toward Gimli. The elf held them all back as everyone joined in the argument. Varda, Elrond, and Arwen were the only ones still sitting.

Alec and Verra watched this with mild amusement and Verra passing out the Bleeprin.  It was fairly movieverse cannon, although Alec couldn’t figure out why a supposed elf would know the name of a dwarf and not know who the Prince of Mirkwood was.  

 

After the counsel Varda was walking to go and see Arwen, she knew her cousin would need comfort because "the love of her life was going on a fatal journey."  Alec and Verra, arm in arm followed her. 

 

 She was looking down, thinking of the counsel when she bumped into someone. She looked up, it was the handsome elf from the counsel!

“Elves don’t walk like that…” Verra muttered into her husband’s ear.

 

“Shhh….”

"Oh, I'm sorry, so, so sorry." She stuttered.

"It's alright." He laughed, "I saw you at the counsel, yet, I don't believe we've met before, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood." Varda's eyes grew wide and her cheeks glowe a bright red.

"I'm Varda Fangwen, Lord Elrond's niece." She said, gathering her courage, what was their to be afraid of, he ws just another elf, right? Right??

"Well, hello Varda. Would you like to go get a lembas with me? I've got some food and drink in my room." Legolas said.

“Ummm… isn’t lembas traveling food?”

 

“Shh…” Alec hissed again, scribbling notes down.

"Well, I was just on my way to go and see my cousin..." He cut her off.

"Oh," He smiled, "You won't want to do that for a while, Aragorn's over there right now, I think I can still hear her screaming, I'm now partially deaf in my left ear." They both laughed aloud.

"Yeah, that's Arwen for ya." Varda said, "I guess it wouldn't hurt to eat, I mean you are leaving on your journey tomorrow, are you not?"

 

“Modern  slang…incomprehensible logic…”

"I am, so there, you have your excuse, now let's go." With that they set off toward his room. 

 

“You know that is perhaps the worst pick-up scene I’ve ever seen.” Verra commented.  “I mean it was even worse than when you and I first met. And that was pretty pathetic.”   Alec had nothing to say to this.  He just steered her along, following Legolas and Varda. “Although I can’t  see what she sees in him.”

 

“I think it’s the whole elven motif. You know, handsome and yet beautifully fragile, the long silky hair, eyes with stars in them, graceful yet deadly…” Alec said, eyes glazed over. Verra nudged him in the ribs with her elbow.

 

“It’s not polite to drool in front of your wife.”

 

“Wuh? Oh right.”

 

“And don’t think I didn’t see you looking Arwen over either.”

 

They arrived at Legolas' room just in time to catch the small man, whom I found out was a

hobbit named Frodo Baggins. He stopped and complimented me on my dress, thanked Legolas with exceeding gratification, and moved along.

 

Once again the sudden tense shift slammed into the two agents with all the politeness of a pigeon over a freshly washed car.  Verra collapsed (somewhat dramatically) into her husband’s arms which wrapped reassuringly around her.

 

“Why was Frodo in Legolas’ room?” Verra asked with a small bit of confusion.  Alec shrugged in answer and then whispered into her ear.

 

“Do you wanna watch the saps eat Lembas for no particular reason or go and have some fun of our own?” 

 

Verra grinned. “Lead the way, love.”  He took her hand and led her away from Legolas’ room and the two elves discovery of how much they had in common.  He lead her to the Sue’s room (just for the hell of it) where they engaged in some discovery of their own.   Unfortunately they forgot to keep track of the words and as they were redressing themselves Varda walked in.

 

The Sue stared at them in shock.  “What are you doing in my room?”

 

Alec’s mind raced for an answer.  Verra grinned nastily.

 

Back in room 3b the portal sprang to life.  With a smug smile Verra walked through it, followed by Alec who was complaining at full tilt.  “I can’t believe you did that! You ate her!  I mean I don’t have a problem with that part but the least you could have done was wait until I charged her…What were you thinking anyway?”

 

“That she was bothering me.” Verra said with a shrug.  She flopped down in the comfy seat and gave Alec a look that said, “If you keep this up, I’ll eat you too.”  He was going to protest some more but his survival sense kicked in and he remembered that as human as she looked, she was still a dragon, and annoyed dragons were dangerous.

 

“Right. She annoyed you. Okay,” he said and sat down on the floor.  The other chair had mysteriously vanished around the same time as his previous partner.  “But if Up Stairs calls, you’re doing the explaining.”

 

Verra gave him a smile indicating that it would be not a problem at all.