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Disclaimers: Star Trek (in all its forms) belongs to Paramount and the Rodenberry Estate. The PPC concept belongs to Jay and Accadia. Marrissa Amber Flores Picard belongs to Stephen Ratliff. Thranduil belongs to the Tolkien folks. Alec belongs to me. He’s the only thing I own. Next to my goldfish and I bought him for ten cents, so he’s not worth much.

A note: Marrissa Picard is perhaps one of the most evilest Star Trek Mary Sues out there. She has been mocked by MSTers for years now. I, in a lapse of sanity, decided to take her on and actually PPC her. The events that the SO talks about can be found in my Tolkien PPC series, Your Wife is a Big Dragon.



With a frustrated look on his face, Alec stood in front of the SO. He had been called up for improper use of Sue powers during several missions. Oddly enough, Verra, his wife, wasn’t there. He would have thought that she would be reprimanded too for improper following of procedures. Apparently this wasn’t going to be the case. Perhaps they were going to be tried separately?

You know why you’re here, don’t you? The Sunflower asked him, rustling its fronds importantly. Alec nodded.

“The pumpkin and ummm… freezing Thranduil?”

Correct. Had the Sunflower been human he would have put his hands together and stared at him from the tips of his fingers. And for this we’re going to have to discipline you.

“Of course.” Alec shifted nervously on his feet. Upstairs was notoriously good at picking out punishments that were guaranteed to drive their agents insane. Or more insane as most agents were already pushing the definition of sanity. “What’s it going to be?”

There was a pushing of a stack of papers towards Alec, You must kill Marrissa Picard. Alec blinked, surprised. That didn’t seem too hard. All of her.

“All of her?”

In every single Ratliff story. Alec’s eyes bugged out in shock.

“You’re insane! Do you have any idea what’s happened to the last three agents who tried to do that?” he cried, swinging his arms out in protest. “They committed suicide by logic!”

The fronds rustled again, Yes, well seeing as how you are… What is the phrase? Death impaired? We feel that this shouldn’t be a problem for you. Alec muttered some rude things under his breath about his creator. Then something brilliant hit him.

“But wait a second, I can’t kill her! Marrissa is a canon character.”

Marissa is the canon character. Marrissa is the Sue. Somehow the Sunflower was able to sound out the difference between the name with one “r” and the name with two “r’s” in it. Alec sighed in defeat. Also, no you cannot be a Q. You may pick any other canon species but that. And yes you can take your sword. Alec brightened considerably at that. He liked his sword. It was sharp and pointy and made things scream. Besides phasers were so impersonal.

“Okay. I can deal with this. I just have one question.”


“Who’s going to be taking care of Braxious while Verra and I are being punished as it were?”

Verra is not being disciplined.

Alec blinked. “I’m sorry?”

Verra is not being disciplined.

“But…but…” Alec protested. “What about eating the Sue before we could charge her? And then the time she…”

Let me explain it to you this way. Verra is a dragon, correct? Alec nodded. There for it is perfectly canonical for her to be able to change shape and eat the Sues. You are human are you not. Again Alec nodded, There for it is uncanonical for you to be able to turn people into pumpkins. Even for your canon.

“You’re just afraid that she’ll come up here and torch you aren’t you?” Alec said smugly. The Sunflower said nothing, but its fronds and petals did move nervously. The upstairs folk didn’t know what to do with Verra and her habit of torching and eating people who annoyed her. It wasn’t because she was insane, it was just how she, as a dragon, dealt with those sorts of problems. And any try to discipline her usually end up… badly. Or messily. Generally both.

You can leave now the SO said, without a hint of suggestion in its voice. Grinning Alec gave a deep court bow with his left hand over his chest and right hand behind his back. He then spun smartly on heel and marched out.  






Disclaimers: Star Trek (in all its forms) belongs to Paramount and the Rodenberry Estate. The PPC concept belongs to Jay and Accadia. Marrissa Amber Flores Picard belongs to Stephen Ratliff. Alec belongs to me. He’s the only thing I own. Next to my goldfish and I bought him for ten cents, so he’s not worth much.  





Chapter one: You never forget your first…

Alec decided to skip the prologue on the Enterprise C, which was just silly and a bunch of set up any ways. He instead started inside the Romulan Empire with Ambassador Spock and his … wife Saavik. He was dressed in the military clothes of his home continuum; a jacket with gold trim some, light fey made chain mail under a shirt, sword and knee high boots. His chosen race was that of the Squire of Gothos’ type, which wasn’t part of the Q continuum, despite the speculation in Q-Squared by Peter David, but still fairly powerful. Besides, the SO didn’t say anything against them. Settling down in a corner of the caves he watched Saavik and Spock discuss the log of a Romulan ship that was sent to lure the Enterprise C into the Neutral Zone 



"Is that all, Spock?" she asked.

"I have one of my best working on finding a more exact time for you but, I do not know how long it will take, Saavik-kam," Spock replied.

“Kam? Kam? Where’d that come from?” Alec muttered drumming his fingers on the hilt of his sword.

"It will have to do," Saavik replied. "Admiral McGuire wants to make sure we prevent that mission at all cost."

"I will leave immediately to deliver the information to the Enterprise," Spock said. "Then we will begin working on a plan for your return to the Federation."

"Hurry back, I plan on spending quite a bit of time with you," Saavik replied, seductively.

Alec blinked at the sudden show of emotion from the Vulcan. Ah well, charge number one. He thought, despite personal misgivings,  that it should be charge number two, but there was no crime in making Saavik and Spock a married couple.

"You did not need to come here, Saavik-kam," Spock said. "Your risk was not logical."

"Spock, I haven't missed your pon-far once, and I don't intend to," Saavik replied. "You can be logical all you want, but come next pon-far, I'll be at your side."

“You are a VUUULLL CAAAN…” Alec said in a spooky ghost like voice, “You LIIIIKE Logic! Logic Is Your Friend!”

"Sometimes I do not remember why I married you," Spock replied.

"I believe you did not want your child to grow up fatherless," Saavik reminded. "Not that he didn't with all the time you spent on the Enterprise and out negotiating with Klingons, Cardassians, and Romulans."

Charge number two was promptly written down.

"I knew that their was some logic to it," Spock replied, kissing his wife, the Admiral known only as the Vulcan Lady to most of Starfleet Command.

And then came charge number three. This scene done Alec promptly jumped through a plot whole (and boy there were a lot of them) to the Enterprise D.

Captain's Log USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D STARDATE 47567.25 Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording. The Enterprise has been ordered on a mission to rescue a starship that was captured by Romulans over 20 years ago. The USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C was captured by Romulans after attempting to defend a Klingon outpost from Romulans. Although they didn't succeed, their attempt to defend the planet was noticed and mentioned by the survivors when the Klingons retook the outpost the next day. We will be time traveling to just four years after that event where according to information from Starfleet Intelligence's commanding officer, the Vulcan Lady, it is being prepared to act as a lure in order that other Federation vessels may be captured. An intelligence agent will meet us on the border. In order to prevent our detection we will be taking on the inventor of a cloaking device.

Alec joined the senior staff in Transporter room three. He hovered over Geordi occasionally changing the readings on the control consul. The poor lieutenant didn’t know what was going on and was not entirely sure if it was something he should mention or not. Alec on the other hand was thinking about revealing himself as an observer, buthe decided against it, dressed as he was. Perhaps the next mission he could be someone from Section 13.  He figured he should get his kicks in before he went stark raving loony.

Having figured out that different panels made different sounds when pressed, Alec started to play Jingle Bells on the Transporter consul as the others discussed the mysterious inventor that was coming aboard. He noticed that every single staff member was trying extremely hard to ignore his musical concert, although Data looked like he was on the verge of asking about it and Picard looked like he was about scream, “Q”. They plunged through their conversation however with dogged determination.  



"Captain, the Phoenix is signaling it's readiness to beam the inventor aboard," Geordi announced.

Alec stopped playing with the buttons and walked over to the transporter pad.

"Energize," Picard ordered. Wesley Crusher materialized on the transporter platform, grinning. Alec suppressed the urge to kick him.

"Permission to come aboard Captain," he said to some surprised looking people in the room. "You did ask for an inventor of a cloaking device, or did I take the wrong ship."

"Permission granted, Wesley," Picard said. "And yes, you are on the right ship."

"Why the secrecy, Wes?" Geordi said, coming around from behind the console.

"How else can I surprise my mom?" Wesley asked.

Moments later, Doctor Beverly Crusher entered the room. A surprised look graced her face as she noticed her son and said, "Wesley Eugene Crusher, way didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"Can't I surprise you for a change?" Wesley asked.

"After all the surprises you have pulled in the last 7 years, no," Doctor Crusher replied.

"If you two will interrupt your family reunion," Picard interrupted. "We have a meeting concerning our mission I'd like to get to."

"Aye, Captain," the Crushers chorused.  



There was a scene shift and Alec found himself in the observation lounge watching Wesley describe his new cloaking device with the most absurd flaw in the multiverse. He sat down, after a moments thought, on the table with his legs crossed. He added the charge bad technobabble to the list with the note, What is the “Radius Method”?He then steeled himself for some of the worst logic of the story.

"That shouldn't be a problem, we just separate the saucer and leave it behind," Riker suggested. Wesley confirmed that that was an option with a nod.

"Correction, Number One, that is a problem," Captain Picard said. "Have you looked at the personnel we need? We'll be lucky to be able to staff the C, much less our saucer."

“Phoenix.” Alec coughed loudly. After all if they could import an inventor why not extra crew, anda skeleton crew was part of normal procedure for saucer separation. They had to have someone reasonable intelligent driving it. Even Troi was preferable.

"Then I suggest we give the Kid's Crew the saucer and send them towards someplace," Riker responded.

There was a pause as the Universe groaned and logic fled at the suggestion. Alec didn’t even bother pulling out a CAD he knew that they would all be notoriously out of character.

"The Kid's Crew?" Picard inquired. "Who's idea was that?"

"Marrissa Flores, I think," Wesley supplied. "She started it after she got trapped in the turbolift with you. I was in it before I left for the academy."

"I know young Marrissa, but I'll not put children at risk," Picard stated.

Logic reasserted itself for a precarious second.

"What was your Kobayashi Maru time, Captain?" Riker asked.

"15 minutes, but I don't see how that helps," the Captain replied.

"Marrissa's is above 20 minutes," Riker replied. "I evaluated it last week." Logic collapsed around them. It gave a sickening slurp before crawling out of the story with a pathetic whimper. For a second Alec flickered into view. No one noticed. Alec obediently wrote down, “Changing Kobayashi Maru exam perimeters”

"20 minutes!" Picard replied. "I have to see that."

"A recording is available," Riker replied. "If you would like to add to the recommendations to accompany this eleven year old to Starfleet Academy, get behind Data and myself."

"I'll be adding my John Hancock to yours shortly," Captain Jean-Luc Picard responded. "Pending my review of her Kobayashi Maru and any other relevant records, I will leave Marrissa Flores in command of the saucer with orders to proceed to Deep Space Nine. Saucer separation will occur at 2300 hours and we will depart for Romulas at 0100 hours. Meeting adjourned."

The crew got up and left just in time to miss, once again, Alec flickering into view. He flipped his pad shut and stalked over to the replicator ordering a very black cup of coffee. Coffee was good. Coffee was life. Without it, he would never get through this assignment. Of course,  the way things were looking he wouldn’t get through this assignment in any way. He stared forlornly at the words. There was a long way to go and not much he could skip through if he wanted to be thorough. The idea was tempting though. Instead,  he drifted to the captain’s ready room and waited for Marrissa to show up, amusing himself by talking to Livingston. The lion fish was a remarkably intelligent conversationalist.  


Captain Picard after reviewing Marrissa Flores's Kobayashi Maru sat back and wondered at the unexpected ways that the young girl had managed to starve off the unavoidable. It looked to him like Marrissa had a long and noteworthy career ahead of her. He had seen many Kobayashi Marus in his day but none with such original thinking and with such a tendency to find unforeseen options. The Academy programmers were going to have their hands full when she arrived at Starfleet Academy. Having decided that Marrissa would be the best commander for the saucer he was going to find and observing her crew in action during her Kobayashi Maru he sent for the young girl.

And here again Alec flickered into view and this time he stayed there for a whole half a minute . Fortunately, he was standing behind Picard so that the captain didn’t notice him. Livingston blurpped happily in his bubble bowl.

The door rang and he said, "Come." A young blond haired girl, just over four and a half feet high entered. Her hair was pushed back with a burette, and her outfit was a conservative pink jumpsuit. "Please sit down, Marrissa," Captain Jean-Luc Picard ordered, gesturing at the chair before his desk. "I called you here because I believe you and your 'Kid's Crew' may be able to solve a problem I have."

Behind him, Alec made a gagging noise. Fortunately the Sue didn’t notice Alec.

"What's the problem?" Marrissa inquired, softly.

"Due to a personnel shortage and an Engineering limitation, I need a saucer section command crew," Picard said. "Commander Riker suggested your crew might be of assistance."

"Why?" Marrissa asked.

"Your 20 minute Kobayshi Maru time," Captain Picard said. "Plus, Wesley Crusher says that if you were a starship Captain, you'd rank among the best. Since Wesley is not exactly known for praising anyone's abilities, I take that as a big endorsement."

Again, the pen went scritch, scritch against the pad. After all since when did the Captain take Wesley Crushers word on anything, and when did Wesley even become a stingy praiser?

"When do we start?" Marrissa asked.

"1800 hours," Picard replied.

"Saucer separation will be at 2300 hours and after that you will have command of the saucer section and all it's crew until the stardrive reconnects. Under your command will be the 5 medical personnel I'm leaving behind and all the civilians. Enjoy."

"I'll be ready," Marrissa replied. "Permission to go organize my crew, Captain?"

"Granted," Picard said. Marrissa skipped out of the Ready Room, on to the bridge and into the aft turbolift, past some rather surprised officers.

Alec watch her go and suppressed an urge to bang his head against the bulkhead. After a second he gave into it. It was amazing how relaxing it could be and much softer than marble too or wood. When he was done with this and only mildly concussed, he decided to skip the interlude with Marrissa and her parents if only because it was annoying. (Even if her parents had the most logical reactions in the entire story.) Instead, he went and raided Worf’s supply of Klingon blood wine and got quite tipsy. Unfortunately, he remembered his duty and sobered up in time to get to the bridge and watch as Marrissa introduced her bridge crew to the Captain. All of them were kids and none of them had any business being on the bridge. There was no way any of them could have the experience necessary to run a starship. One of them even appeared to be an original character. He flashed the CAD at it which confirmed his suspicions. One more to add to his kill list. Current members were Marrissa, of course, the SO and his sister’s boyfriend. He really didn’t like his sister’s current boyfriend.

When Marrissa was done explaining how a bunch of children were able to do the job of experienced crew members the captain left the ship in her hands. With this, Alec flickered into view right next to Alexander Rozhenko. The Klingon boy noticed him right away.

“Excuse me sir.” Alexander said, indicating that the agent was standing in the way of his station. The agent blinked before muttering an apology and stepping away. Mouth slightly agape Alec sidled to the Science Station and caught a peek at his reflection. He was wearing a Star Fleet uniform. One of the anonymous –ominous- red shirts which was actually gold. There was a single pip on his collar.

“Love a duck!” he gasped. Marrissa looked up.

“You’ve been relieved Ensign,” she said to him without much interest. Feeling like he was in the Twilight Zone Alec left the bridge. He stepped into the turbolift, but didn’t give it any order to go anywhere. Instead he sat on the lift’s floor for five minutes trying to figure out what just happened and where did his sword go. If everyone and the Sue could see him then he had a real big problem.

“Wish I could turn invisible…” he muttered after scratching some equations on his pad of charges. He had been trying to mathematically quantify what had just happen but all he came up with were rubber ducks and parsnip. How he was coming up with rubber ducks and parsnip he wasn’t sure. Just as he said that though he snapped his pen in two. “Firebolts! I can turn invisible!” He smacked himself on the head. “I am such an idiot. Not a Q but almost. Gleefully he snapped his fingers and turned invisible.

The turbolift doors opened again, but no one noticed. They were too busy watching Ambassador Spock chat with Marrissa. For some unbeknownst reason the Ambassador was wearing his old Star Fleet Uniform. Unfortunately the text wasn’t specific as to which one. So he flickered from the blue one and the red one with the shoulder pads; occasionally the bathrobe one from the forth movie also showed up for some reason. And through a scene or point of view shift (mildly disorientating) Alec found himself inside the Ambassador shuttle as the Vulcan piloted it in. He also became privy to Spock’s thoughts on Marrissa. They were refreshingly natural in reaction. Basically had the captain been possessed? Or perhaps a Pod Person. Well those weren’t his exact thoughts but they were close enough.

Shaking his head to clear the rational Vulcan’s thoughts, Alec walked unnoticed behind Spock who greeted Data. He then watched in horror as Data managed to convince Spock of the logic in the captain’s actions. “LORE! LORE!” he screeched at one point as he pointed a shaking finger at the android. Both of the normally rational beings looked around to see where the voice was coming from but since Alec was invisible were unable to locate the source. The story pushed them forward until the landed on the battle bridge where upon Spock vanished having no more use. Alec wished he could do the same, but instead had to go with the Battle Bridge to the past for the yet unexplained reason that made any sense. Marrissa was going to Deep Space Nine. How she was going to get there with out any warp engines Alec didn’t know. What he did know was that he was going to see her soon enough. 



First, however, he found himself in Cardassia. The shift was merely locational and not temporal. Unlike other agents, Alec didn’t find this at all disorienting, butthat was only because he used to teleport accidentally in his sleep. It was always interesting to wake up in a totally different reality with a bunch of deadly weapons pointed at you. The heads of Cardassia were gathered together, Guls from orders one through seven, at a table with a head. It was a rather odd looking. The eyes kept on looking around the room. Alec sat down staring at the Cardassians and noticed that one of them had turned into a small shiny coin. Reading the words, he found that this was Gul Ducat head of the Third Order. Of course no one else noticed.

Legate Tural began to explain to his Guls (and small coin) his wonderful plan of invading the Federation, which amounted to basically throwing all their ships at the Federation. Gul Dukat and Garvak protested such actions and left. Legate Tural suddenly turned into a florescent blue tribble. Confused and surprised at this sudden change Alec scanned the words to find that Legate Tural was now spelled Legate Toral. Unable to become a mini (being an original character) and with the logic of the universe so badly decayed the Gul had turned into a tribble. Alec stared at this, andonce again no one else noticed. Before he could even comment, he found himself being flung to the Enterprise.

Stumbling against the wall at the sudden shift, Alec slumped unhappily to the floor. The entire proceeding section had made no sense to him. He doubted he would get any more sense from what was to come. Commander Riker seemed to agree with him.

"Captain, I don't feel comfortable with Starfleet's orders on this mission," Riker stated. "Time traveling should not be used for such trival missions."  

"Normally, I would agree, Number One," Picard said. "But it seems that their is quite a bit of evidence supporting our going."  

"I never heard of it," Riker replied.  

"I was just informed of it's exsistance," Picard said. "I have no idea of what the evidence is, but it must be quite exstensive for Admiral Necheyev to make such a move."  

There was an odd look on the captain’s face as he said this, as if he realized the absurdity of what he was saying. The Author’s lack of logic however propelled the story onwards. Curled in his corner of the Battle Bridge, Alec felt that he was going to go mad. Or at least crazier than usual. He had been declared officially insane in three universes and counting. His hand twitched to the side where his sword rested and he felt the compulsive need to go and massacre some people. When the Star Drive went into the Slingshot Maneuver, propelling them into the past, he found that he was occupied by something more important than the need to thoughtlessly slaughter canon characters. It was the need to hold onto the contents of his stomach. A fact little known was that Alec got very easily sea, or in this case, space sick. His manly (and Sueish) priderefused to let anyone know this for fear of taunting. Much to his luck the journey was soon over and he was able to reclaim control over his faculties.

The Enterprise-D eased into orbit beside the older starship Ambassador class Enterprise-C. While no one could see the cloaked Enterprise-D, the Enterprise-C was clearly visible. Her registry was black on her aged ivory white hull. NCC-1701-C USS Enterprise, United Federation of Planets, she said, proclaiming her origin, an origin that she was far from. Orbiting Romulas with Romulans aboard, she definitely was not what she was supposed to be. That however was about to change. "Mister Worf, scan the Enterprise-C," Picard ordered. "Report on number and location of Romulan forces."

“Ohhh deep exposition that one.” Alec muttered hanging over Worf’s shoulder.

"Fifteen total," Worf reported. "Five on the bridge, one in the transporter room, two in sickbay, ten in Engineering."

Once again the fragile framework of the story’s logic and physics gave a lurch as the basic fundamentals of math got rewritten. Alec could almost hear the groaning of equations and figures trying to sort themselves out to accommodate the fact that five plus one plus two plus ten now equaled fifteen and not eighteen. Alec also flickered into view once more, quiet solidly. So solidly that Worf was able to elbow him in the nose. Alec stifleda yelp of pain, holding his nose as Worf stared at him. The Klingon was about to say something but the captain spoke, distracting him.

"Number One, I believe you have a starship to capture," Picard commented. "Aye, sir, Worf, Data, with me," Riker said moving to the turbolift.

As Riker and the others left the bridge Alec quietly slipped in after them for a quick trip to sick bay before his return to the future, holding his bleeding nose. He decided he was going to skip the Enterprise C’s recapture, as it was pointless and dumb and not really why he was here. 



Nearly twenty years later, Gul Ducat's warship had detected a ship moving across it's path. The Gul ordered an intercept course toward it. The Gul was an ambitious Cardassian. He had once been prefect of Bajor, before Dukat. However a position came up as assistant to Legate Garnik, the predecessor to the present head of Central Command. While the position had not led to further advancement, he was some what consoled by the fact that Gul Dukat's inheritance of his old position hadn't either. Well this time, Gul Ducat would advance mightily after his successful raid on Earth, while Gul Dukat would be dead as a result of his defiance. "We are in weapons range of the vessel, Gul," the weapons officer announced. "Any ID on it, I like to know what I'm killing," Ducat asked. "It is the Enterprise," the weapons officer replied. "Fire phasers," Gul Ducat ordered. "So much for Captain Picard."  



Deep within the saucer section of the Enterprise, a shudder woke Marrissa Flores, acting Captain of the saucer section of the Enterprise. As she sat up, the computer began announcing, "RED ALERT, Marrissa Flores report to the bridge, RED ALERT, ..." She jumped out of bed and slid into her boots. Having slept in her uniform (one never knows when duty will call) the only thing remaining for her to do was to put her hair back in a quick ponytail. Having done this, she raced out of her quarters, down the hall, and into a turbolift, which she ordered to take her to the "Bridge."

Running along aside to avoid any necessary nasty side effects, Alec followed her. He found it amusing watching her slide into boots. He had always thought people put on their boots. He did (often with much hopping around on one foot). Also, he wondered where she got the uniform and what it looked like. It couldn’t be a Star Fleet uniform.

As the turbolift proceeded up the eleven decks to the bridge, she wonder what could cause a red alert this far inside federation space. The doors of the turbolift opened to the bridge. A Cardassian Galor Class warship occupied the main viewscreen. It's stance gave evidence that it thought it owned space. "Status Clara," Marrissa asked. "And what that monster is doing here better be your first item."

"That ship under command of a Gul Ducat, opened communication with a phaser bolt," Clara said. "He then asked for our surrender. I told him I had to get the Captain to do that."

“Bolt…” Alec mouthed.

"Ships status?" Marrissa asked. "Shields are at 90 percent due to thier first blast," Clara replied. "Other than that we're fine."

"Get working on finding out that Cardassian shield frequency," Marrissa ordered. "We are about to go a little too close for that Gul's comfort. Alex, I see you decided to return to duty, great. If you would, I'd like to speak to that Cardassian Gul, please."

For a second Alec thought she meant him but then realized that Worf’s son had materialized onto the bridge from a plot hole.

"I putting him on screen now, Captain," Alexander Rozhenko replied. Gul Ducat appeared on the viewscreen. He was still a floating gold coin. No one seemed to care.

"This is Marrissa Amber Flores, Captain of the Enterprise Saucer, how may I help you?" Marrissa said sweetly.

"You can surrender your vessel to me," Gul Ducat replied.

"Why would I want to do that?" Marrissa asked.

"Because I out gun you, and no children are fit to command a starship, let alone run one," Gul Ducat replied. "Hurry up and surrender, I'm scheduled to attack Earth today, and I don't want to be late."

Staring blankly at the screen the agent couldn’t believe what he just heard. One random Cardassian starship was going to take out Earth? That was frigging impossible. Since when would a Gul tell his plans to someone. Of course, Alec rationalized, no one ever said coins were intelligent. Nervously he started chewing on his fingernails.

"It seems you need to apologize to some people," Marrissa responded. "You can start with the threat to attack Earth. Then their is the required, sorry for intruding on your territory. And finally, my crew and I would like an apology for the insult you just gave us."

"Apologize to a bunch of kid's, never," Gul Ducat replied scathingly.

"Then I must ask you to surrender your vessel," Marrissa replied. "I simply in all good conscience can't leave someone at my back who intends to attack Earth."

"Then you will die," Gul Ducat replied, closing the channel.

"All hands to battlestations," Marrissa ordered. "Patterson, nice of you to have joined us, set evasive pattern as Mozart Moonlight Sonata. Alex, ready weapons."

“What hands? What hands? You aren’t even a skeleton crew!” Alec hissed. Feeling like he was going to go catatonic, he watched as Marrisa’s crew used the factory specs on the Cardassian Warship to find the shield frequencies; frequencies that would never appear on the factory specs. Then he watched as the Star Drive section reappear so that the photon torpedoes could be fired onto the enemy ship, all the while evading with the most absurd evasion pattern he had ever seen. The military trained part of him had started thinking about committing suicide, that being more honorable than watching this. As the final humiliation (to him or the Cardassians, he didn’t know) was that the phrase “I was beaten by a bunch of kids” was scorched in to the enemy ship’s hull. Utterly depressed he stumbled out to go and raid Ten-Forward. He had more than enough to charge her with. He just wanted to get really stinking drunk first. It was too bad they didn’t have any Dwarven Ale or something like that. Well there was always that green stuff.

Singing softly to himself a rather rude song that his sister made up about an armadillo, a dead squirrel, a zucchini and two young not so innocent maidens, a bottle of the green stuff in hand Alec made his way back up to the bridge. He tried to anyway; as he walked, he began to hiccup. At first, they were gentle hiccups but then they become more violent. Finally, he let such a hiccup that he teleported.

Dazed he looked around as a petite blond woman swung towards him, a sword in her hand. He hiccuped again and found himself in the Delta Quadrant on top of Voyager’s hull.


In the middle of a Klingon party.


On the round table of the Justice League’s Watchtower. 


In a Star Fury about to go through a Jump Gate.


Limbo… or at least he thought it was.


On the Enterprise C’s bridge. Spock had reappeared from whatever plot hole he vanished into. He was now Commander Riker’s first officer. Which was extremely silly because Spock way out ranked Riker by half a lifetime.Noticing an empty spot on the bridge; he slipped himself into it, hiding the bottle of green stuff. Wouldn’t do for an officer to be drunk. Er. Drunker. He watched as the ship fought off a pair of Romulan Warbirds before running away to meet up with the Enterprise D. There were too many Enterprises running around for Alec’s taste. Of course he couldn’t even understand why they needed the Enterprise C in the first place. Bored he started to play Solitaire on the computer. The reality of the Story was so badly messed up that the computers had started running Windows 2000 ME edition.

This scared Alec.

He didn’t know why, but it did.

In any case, while he was goofing off in the name of duty, the Enterprise, both D and C went though the sling shot maneuver to return to their own time. Actually to the Enterprise D’s time, the Enterprise C was leaving its time.That, however, was niggling details.

They didn’t make it.

The Enterprise-C and Enterprise-D came out of the time warp and decloaked. Unfortuately, they were not in the right time. Off the starboard bow, a battle was going on. A constitution class starship and two comparable class Romulan ships were fighting it out, and the starfleet ship was getting the worse of the battle, even though the Romulan ships appeared to be more heavyly damaged than one would expect in such a battle.

Alec hiccuped again and found himself on the Enterprise D’s battle bridge.

"Captain, their is a battle going on off our starboard bow," Tasha Yar informed from Tactical.

"On screen," Picard ordered.

"Captain, I think we have a problem," Ro commented.

"What is it Ensign?" the Captain asked.

"That's the Enterprise NCC-1701-A, it's in the Federation Starship Mueseum orbiting Uranus," Ro replied.

"Then we better make sure it gets there," Picard replied. "Take us in Ro. Yar ask the Enterprise-C to do the same."

“Temporal Prime Directive!” Alec snarled. He let out another hiccup as the damaged reality twisted some more as the poor Captain was driven into complete character rupture. There was a ripple and the entire bridge became decorated in mauve, with frilly curtains and lava lamps. Another hiccup restored the bridge completely to its normal Star Fleet theme except for one lava lamp by the turbolift door.

"They are already moving in on the Romulans," Yar replied. "Ah, Ambassador Spock."

After a depressing battle where the now three Enterprises blew the two Romulan warbirds into atomic smithereens, the Enterprise D was hailed by the Enterprise A.

"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D. My first officer, Commander Riker is currently commanding the Enterprise-C and is rather busy at the moment."

"Captain James T. Kirk, of the Enterprise-A," Kirk replied. "What are you doing here in STARDATE 9530?" "We took a wrong turn on our way back to STARDATE 47475 from STARDATE 37570," Captain Picard replied. "We aren't sure what our error in the calculation for the return trip was."

At this Alec laughed. Apparently changing the operating systems on the shipsto Windows had a bigger impact than just being able to play solitaire.

"I believe we can help you," Captain Kirk offered. A few minutes later after idly chatter of no consequence (why they needed to know that Chekov was going to be the captain of the Excelsior class starship Potemkin was beyond Alec’s comprehension) they tried the time travel thing again.

When the Enterprise-D stardrive arrived, Captain Picard, weary of a repeat of the last attempt had Data check to see if they were in the right place before he ordered the Enterprise-D stardrive to decloak and asked Riker on the Enterprise-C to do the same. Shortly after they shimmered into existence, a Romulan warbird screamed across the neutral zoneat warp 9, demanding to speak with Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise. "Lieutenant Yar, please put the Romans on screen, I want to know what they want this time," Captain Picard said.

In pain, Alec wished for his bottle back. The Romulan warbird had turned into a  Roman galley ship. Complete with oars and sails and slaves from the looks of it.  When the General Sela appeared on the screen she and the rest of her crew were wearing togas, complete with laurels on their heads. 

Sela hadn't been sleeping well of late and the circles around her eyes gave evidence of that. Her once long blond hair was cut in the way of most Romulan females, and males for that matter, bangs over the front, and short. "Ah, General Sela, I'd heard you had been promoted. Congratulations."

“Since when does Picard engage in small talk with the enemy?” Alec asked the air forlornly. The SO was so toast.

"Thank you but that's not what I'm here to talk about," Sela replied. "I demand you return the Romulan vessel you have and it's crew to our control at once." While her daughter was speaking Tasha Yar realized who she was.

Sighing Alec muttered, “And the name and blond hair wasn’t a dead give away?” Scanning the words desperately,  he looked for a way out. He decided that he could skip the non-sappy reunion between the two Yars, which was dumb and pointless, (as was the fact that Sela had triplets and named them after the Enterprise women). There was one more chapter left and he was going to skip right to it. Quietly slipping off the bridge he opened the portal device to Deep Space Nine and into its Promenade. Eagerly he went to Quark’s to wait Marrissa’s appearance so he could charger her. After she found out her parents were dead.

He wasn’t a cold hearted man. He just thought she should know before she went to the bowels of whatever Hell Sues went to. If only to make her suffer more.

From Quark’s he watched as Commander Riker approachedher and talked to her for a brief moment and then left her crying. When Riker had gone Alec strolled up to her and stood next to her, watching as she cried. She sniffled and looked up at him.

“Do I know you?” she asked, taking in his odd appearance from the pointed ears that were too big to be a Vulcan’s to his armor and sword.

“Not really.” Alec said, “But I know you. I’ve been watching you for quite some time now and I must say I’m quite impressed, with what you’ve done. In all my years I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone do what you’ve done single handedly, and that’s saying something.”

Marrissa looked at him curiously, for while the words sounded complimentary there was an evil, insane gleam in his eyes, “I was just doing my duty. But if you would excuse me…”

Alec grabbed her arm, not letting her leave, “I’m not done yet.” She struggled but an elevenyear old child is no match for a grown man trained as a warrior. “You see what you have done is single handedly warp this Universe into a no logic zone.”

“What do you mean?” Now there was fear in her voice.

 “Marrisa Amber Flores-Picard, I’m charging you for being A Mary Sue. For making it seem logical for an eleven year old child to be in charge of a Star Ship. For making Spock, Data agree with this logic. For rupturing the characters of Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Ambassador Spock, Lieutenant Commander Data, General Sela and a damn lot of other ones which I’m too lazy to name. For making Spock emotional, for dropping Spock of into a plot hole later to be revived. For bad technobable.  For being able to take on a Cardassian ship with a bunch of kids in charge and using weapons that aren’t on the bloody Saucer Section. For violating the Temporal Prime Directive for no discernable reason except to put you in charge of the Saucer Section. For turning a Legate into a hideous looking tribble.  For turning a Gul into a small shiny coin. For having said still shinycoin randomly attack the Federation with absolutely no back up whatsoever. For giving Sela a soft side and triplets. For random interaction with the Enterprise A which served no purpose to the Story whatsoever. For rewriting the laws of mathematics, fifteen doesn’t equal eighteen. For cruelty to the English language. For having your parents die off so you could have a tragic history.”

Here Marrissa pulled out of her stupor to snap, “I didn’t kill my parents!”

“Shut up. I said you did, so you did. For making my head hurt so bad that I had to get severely drunk, twice. For allowing Data to screw up a calculation. For violating the Treaty of Algeron For inventing a cloaking device that doesn’t cover the front ten feet of the Saucer Section. Which is just dumb. For having a twenty one minute Kobayashi Maru Exam time, which is impossible because it’s not timed and you can only take it if it is under the supervision of a superior officer of which you have none because you are a bleeding child. For making people think that exam is all you need to be a good captain of a Ship. For being a Mary Sue. For severely pissing me off beyond belief and that is really amazing feat.” He paused to take a deep breath, barely noticing the crowd that had formed around them or Odo coming towards them. “You are condemned to die. Any last words?”

Marrissa turned to the crowd pulling in his grip. “Help me! Please! He’s a mad man!” The crowd parted to let Odo through.

“What is going on here?” he asked in his gravely voice.

“PPC, just apprehending a prisoner.” Alec said as professionally as possible before he hiccuped. The two of them found themselves in front of the Guardian of Forever on its dusty and ruin strewn planet. Marrissa stared at him in fear and in awe.

“I know what you are! You’re a Q.” She breathed. “This is some sort of test.”

Narrowing his eyes, Alec let go of her to draw his sword out. “Oh please, I’d never willinglybe one of them; I’m so much cooler than them. In any case, you’re just trying to delay the inevitable. Your death.” He raised his sword up. She backed away from him, tripping on a piece of rubble. Alec shoved his sword right through her neck, severing her head from the rest of the body. He had been wanting to do something inventive but now he just wanted to go home and sleep.

As soon as her life completely fled her body, a ripple was let out from the planet’s surface and the Guardian of Forever began to come to life.

“The time line,” it intoned, “has been restored.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” Alec muttered before setting Marrissa’s body on fire. He sat down against a cut pillar and watched as the Sue’s body went up in fireworks worthy of Gandalf.

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